Confessions Of A Selfish Mother

Rejection sucks!!

Today, after a week of waiting I got some crappy news… As you know I started a new role recently and it’s been so lovely to get out the house and feel like me again. I found myself not only thrown into a new role where I can use my brain, but I actually getting time alone in the city…. Beautiful long walks along the canal…. The odd costa coffee…. It’s been good for the old empowerment and self esteem malarkey ….Perhaps it went to my head, perhaps I forgot for a brief while that I was a mum… Whatever the reason, I applied for a Saturday job….

Now when you think Saturday job, you think shop, bar staff etc… But this was so much more.

An escape room

Forgetting the children for one afternoon in half term, Scott and I went to one of these attractions…. A date if you will, a rather over due one…. (2 years to be exact) and, on returning from a brilliant day, I saw they were looking for staff… My cv is colourful (no really, it’s bright pink) and I have some experience pre marriage of film set working and acting….. It was a dream job…..

For me ten years ago….

And I got an interview.

I’m not sure how it happened, perhaps it was running from my new role to this one too quickly to even glance down at my cv but blindly run I did …. into the interview, confident and feeling good…. I forgot to think about what THEY would want from Me.

My head was filled with ME and how awesome it would be for ME! Oh dear god, working has made me a little selfish…. I even left feeling confident….. I didn’t think that mentioning the children, or toddler group or even that I once worked at McDonald’s… (It was said in jest)……Would be a hindrance…. But now…. After waiting a whole week in hope, and being crushed by rejection this evening, I realise……. I’m not who I was ten years ago…. I’m a working mum and the two are entertwinded…. Not separate.

I could have gone in, been more quirky than geeky….. Not even mentioned the kids…. Bigged up the pre baby experience, shown the pre wife me…. And maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so darn crap…… And a part of me is kicking myself that I didn’t

I’d spent the best part of a week thinking about my ‘new’ life, the extra money….. I even got some new clothes….. I started up my healthy eating, been running….. All this focus on me….. And then, Bam…REJECTION

Now, I’m not saying it was discrimination, I was told the role was filled by someone who they thought was a better match….. And I realise I couldn’t agree more…. It’s an arty quirky, young person company…. And I have to accept that’s not me anymore….  if it ever was…. It’s a bitter pill to swallow…. But a firkkin important one

It’s not family vs work

It’s not me as a mum vs me as a person

It’s just me and I’m not these different boxes or labels. I’m a working mum, who is thirty (still not there yet) and a bit of a geek….. But not in the cool quirky Florence and the machines kind way….. In a slightly awkward, perfectionist but loving way….. And that is that

I’m me regardless of if I’m working or mothering….. I’m gutted, but I know there are lessons to be learnt. I looked down at my children today, h tooth fell out at dinner, Roo asked me to read his bedtime story tonight…. Nerg is poorly and hugging and lethargic and I know they’re part of who I am now…. And this selfish phase can be put into perspective and put to bed also ….. Tonight, I’m going to hug my husband, enjoy a good box set while mapping out ideas of my blog and two other jobs…. Listening out for Nerg…. Ignoring the housework…..

I might keep up the healthy eating and running though…. 9lbs down

12 Responses to “Confessions Of A Selfish Mother”

  1. Oh sorry you didn’t get the job but glad your taking it in your stride as one of life’s lessons. I personally find that sometimes I crave having a bit of the old me back, but when I get it I realise I don’t want it, because I can’t ever go back to being the old me because the mum me isn’t going anywhere and the two mes clash and then I realise I can’t be both? Does that make sense? I feel like that doesnt make sense but I know what I mean!

    • No I get that completely…. I think we sometimes have these crossroad moments where we think going back is an option….. In reality it’s just a fork… Follow the yellow brick road eh? Ooooo there’s a whole wizard of oz analogy for this post….. Rainbows, no place like home… Courage brains and heart…. See quirky…. No just a geek… 🙂 thank you for your kind words 🙂

  2. sue holder

    I am sorry you did not get the job Hun you are a fantastic mum. It is hard sometimes as you want a bit of the old life you had but then you look at our kids and realise how lucky we are to be healthy and have fantastic children and family . Think you are great Hun at what you do

    • Yes, I firmly believe everything always works out ok in the end… I’ve also been v v lucky that up until this point, I’d got every job that I’ve interviewed for….. Perhaps I was too complacent xx

  3. I’m sorry you didn’t get the job, that would be disappointing. I’m glad you’re able to use a situation like that to reflect and evaluate yourself, though! That’s the mark of a strong and healthy mom, not a selfish one!

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