Wednesday was our anomaly scan, given I was late to feel movement this pregnancy and tbh I haven’t felt a whole lot of squirming at all, I was feeling quite nervous but all is well with baby and it turns out my placenta is at the front, which goes a way to ease my anxiety.

Of course the 20 week scan is not only a chance to check little ones growth/kidneys/spine/heart and brain etc, it’s also a chance to find out the sex of your baby. But before I reveal all in my next post I’ll talk you through the journey so far.

The sickness returned at week 19. While it never completely went away it did seem to ease slightly before upping its game again over the last fortnight. I once more have found myself sat on the loo with old faithful baking bowl once a day, it’s rather like part of the furniture of this pregnancy now and I’m weirdly used to it. I think maybe it’s better cos it’s not a case of continuous nausea, more a sudden burst of yuk… if that makes any sense?! Still, so far so good today, so we shall we..

I don’t seem nearly as tired now I’m well into my second trimester and, while I am sporting a sizeable bump, I do feel so much better and more alert than the early days. I’m not half dead by the time Scott gets through the door, mumbling about take-aways and begging for a nap….. it’s so much easier! With this new lease of energy I have also found my mood has greatly improved. I’m more motivated than I was just a couple of weeks ago and really pleased to say that I am coming out of the dark cloud I some how found myself under at the start. Looking back it’s hardly surprising I felt down, the tiredness and two toddlers in an unpacked house all day, driving the school run for H…… I do think settling into our new routine has made all the difference. I’m still finding it hard to call our new place home, but the fact is, we are here now and I need to make the best of it. Once Roo starts school in September I know I will have made the right choice. Of course we have to wait for those all important primary allocations first and I have every finger and toe crossed.

As well as reading more (The Hunger Games this week) I’ve got out with the boys in the better weather. I feel more and more like the mum I want to be, not this tired grumpy hormonal woman using the iPad to get through a day of barely parenting. It can only get better as we make our way into spring.

 

One thing I’ve not accounted for is realisation that another baby will change the dynamics of our family… of course we knew this when we began this journey to number 4, but it’s only now that it’s hit. I think it’s been delayed by lack of planning. With the first couple of children generally you start buying baby bits in prep, you have time to read the week by week guide to your pregnancy.. I now have to google which vegetable the size of baby correlates to, but with H I would not only have been able to tell you….. er….banana….. I’d also have been able to give a run down of development, possible symptoms and myths for 20 weeks, as well as a memorised extract from my well read ‘Emma’s diary’. But, sorry, with baby number four we just haven’t done a whole lot of anything to prepare… and, bar a new baby monitor and changing mat, we need nothing for this little one. From the moses basket to maternity pads I’m all set. I could bring a baby home tomorrow and get by…I guess it’s all been a bit abstract until now. Nearer to 35 weeks I’ll prob start thinking about if we want anything extra and I’ll do a million loads of washing to freshen up the old baby grows…. awwwwww

I think it’s perfectly normal to have flashes of ‘WHAT THE FUCK HAVE WE DONE’ and when both boys ran in separate directions in McDonald’s the other day I confess I was hit by a jolt of reality. I’ve only got two hands…..But with these moments of doubt also comes waves of familiar love. I get to give birth again (I actually like that part) I get to hold a newborn and smell it’s head (cos that’s the best reason to have a baby right?) I also get to surround my children with love. I’m giving them support and a big family, something I didn’t have as a child. And that makes my heart want to explode.

I went to see H in a show this week and realised I’m so excited to watch her grow up, my eldest, the final primary school show for her, but I get another 11 years of this! Of course I also realised that’s a total of 18 years worth of world book days. Shit! But I guess it means it’s actually happening! Wharever my mood, whatever my house, we are having another baby! I can’t believe it’s taken this long to hit me. Nothing will ever be the same again….But of course…. the big question is….is it a boy or a girl?